State of the Union, 1998

My fellow Americans.

As you know, once a year I have the privilege of addressing you from the White House to give you our current state of the Union. However, this year will be different; I have no State of the Union address to give at this time due to squeezing matters… I mean pressing matters that I must attend to. Let me assure you once again, however, that everything is fine and we are doing everybody we can. I mean, everything we can to improve the quality of life in this country. Beyond that, I can only say that my pants are zipped… I mean my lips are
zipped… sealed… and that the State of the Union Address will be forthcoming (can I say cumming on national television???) at a later date.

Thank you, and good night.

Originally published December, 1997.

State of the Union, 1997

[First Draft]

Hello and good evening from
the White-washed house and the awful
oval office. Tonight, I am pleased to bring to you a progress report, if
you will, on some of the things that are happening in this great country of
mine ours. I want to just chat, friendly like, with you
about some of our programs, our policies, and some of the things, I hope
you’ll agree with me, that are steps in the right direction. Things
like obfuscation, manipulation

First, we have Beavis and Butthead, my own personal
heroes, doing America in their new movie, Beavis and Butthead do
And let me say this — I think all you kids out there
listening tonight ought to strive to emmulate these two staunch Americans.
Buy their T-shirts (it’s good for the economy) and practice their habits.
(That way, when you’re all grown up and you get tossed off the welfare
rolls, I can prove that my policies are working.)

We also have Newt Gingrich just reelected
as the Speaker of the House. Now, I know, some of you are going to be
asking, "Why is that good? He lied to us, the American public, he
cheated, he committed fraud. How can it possibly be good that he was
reelected to such a lofty and respectable post?" Well, I’ll tell you:
with him being so much in the spotlight, it diverts your attention from me
and my doings. And that definitely is good!

I also want to talk, briefly, about our foreign
policy. As you probably know, we have absolutely no foreign policy. We
have far too many problems here at home to worry about without concerning
ourselves with what’s going on in the world around us. This is known as the
"Ostrich Principle". This term adequately describes our approach
to foreign policy
and I want you to be aware that we are aggressively
pursuing this every day. The good news about the problems here at home is
that we’re working diligently, we’re striving to take the steps necessary
to clearly identify and then to solve or resolve these problems. Any
suggestions or comments you have will be largely ignored
greatly appreciated. You can even reach us at our new website:

Now, let me address some of the problems we have identified
and some of the processes by which we hope to correct them.

First and foremost, we have a drug problem in this country. Recent studies
have shown that more and more teenagers are regularly using marijuana and
this, I believe, is a serious, serious problem. My administration, and
myself, personally, will continue to strive to overcome this terrible,
terrible threat to our nation’s youth. To date, I feel we have made great
strides with our "Don’t Inhail" campaign, and we will continue
to air these ads on both radio and television.

Tonight, I am also signing into law, a bill that
requires the newly designed and paid for by your tax dollars,
"Don’t Inhail" stickers to be placed on every video
game in every arcade across America. It’s time we took our nation back to
the principles it was founded on, and we are going to start to do that
tonight with this bill! And let me say again, Don’t
Don’t Inhale.

Secondly, we have a crime problem. Violent crime is
on the rise. Gangs are on the increase. White collar crime is at an all
time high. Let me tell you that we are going to slap the wrist, and
I mean hard, of almost
every person convicted of any
crime. The American people will not, and should not continue to condone
rampant crime and we are going to put a stop to it!

Unfortunately, I see that my time is about gone, but
I sincerely hope that I have managed to shed some light on just where this
administration stands, where we’re heading, and where I think this great
country of ours should be.

In conclusion, first of all, I would like to thank
you for allowing me to invade intrude lie to visit with
you tonight, and that I think, together, we can once again make this the
great nation that we all love.

Thank you, and good night.