Based on several factors relating to concerns over political correctness in today’s America, I would like to propose a change to the job applications currently in use in this country. Not only will this new form insure that we all receive the same consideration when applying for a job (career/business opportunity/method of procuring monetary sustenance for our family(ies)/(la familia)), it will also save on paper costs because of its brevity. Thus, we can safely say that we are preventing discrimination, aiding in the fight against global warming, and practicing effective environmental conservation. What more could you ask for?

Please inform us of your name ________________________________
(and/or the name you prefer to be called)_________________________

Thank you for choosing to fill out this form. Due to pending legal cases and other pre-established policies of what we can and cannot ask on these non-intrusive questionnaires, there will be no further questions posed to you. There will also be no interview prior to hiring, so that we may avoid even the hint of anyone’s personality interfering with the hiring process. We… that is a collective we, by the way… have devised what we hope will be a simple, legal, and risk free to all, method of engaging the help of individuals to nurture our business concerns.

Without posing any further questions, please allow us to extend to you (any and all who read, have read to them, or choose not to read this document) our invitation to you to join our team. If you are a member of any political, religious, or ethnic minority; or if you believe you are; or if you feel, think, hope, have been told you are; or even if you would like to be, please be here Monday morning, or afternoon, whichever is more convenient for you.

Thank you, again — you’re hired.

© j. michael raymond. All Rights Reserved. Originally published 1998.