Most of the time, I turn an almost deaf ear to conspiracy theories. If you look hard enough and long enough, you can come up with a plausible assertion of sedition and treachery for almost any topic of discussion. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’ve read all the books: The Illuminatus Trilogy, The Search For The Holy Grail, The Knights Templar, The Lord Of The Rings, The Far Side Comics… but, they have all served only to escalate my skepticism. I tend to think of myself as, rather more of an observer, than a participant or fanatic in most causes.

There is, however, one particular heresy, one widespread conspiracy, one universally accepted, idiotic fantasy that I must stand up against and shout for all the world to hear. I can no longer sit idly and silently by and allow this untruth, this ANATHEMA!!—this lie to be further propagated.

We have been deceived! Lied to by every government and every scientist in the world! By teachers and educators and even by our parents! And some of us, I’m sure, have, unknowingly perhaps, passed this lie onto our children and our friends. It must stop!

There! I feel better. But, just which conspiracy am I talking about? Which deflowering of the truth? Which elaborate ruse do I so boisterously condemn? I’m talking about the greatest lie, the most comprehensive conspiracy, ever foisted on the world’s population as a whole. I’m talking about the completely ridiculous theory that the Earth is a sphere! Propaganda!! Or, as my grandfather used to say, "Horse Manure!"

"But wait!" you say, jumping to your feet to spout an entire litany of proofs to the contrary that you, yourself, have been brainwashed into believing. If an "expert" were to tell you that the sky is green and the grass is purple, does that make it so? Proofs based upon lies and distortions are only proofs to those whose eyes are too blind to see the real truth. And the truth is, we have been duped. All of us. For hundreds of years.

Most of us, it seems, tend to accept a great number of things on the sole basis of what some authority figure tells us. An example of this is President Clintons’ (yes, I know that is the plural form) recent trip to China. We were told that it would further relations between our two countries… that China needs a helping hand, (our helping hand, apparently) to fully embrace human rights and the blessings of capitalism. They are not as enlightened as we are.

This is, obviously, another untruth from the rounders. Over the last few hundred years, China has given us Zen, chess, cheap telephones and VCRs, and opium. China was enlightened long before this nation came into being. And capitalism? If they do not know what capitalism is, how come almost everything electronic in our homes and offices says "Made in China" on it? China enjoys Most Favored Nation trading status with our country. If that’s not capitalism at work, then the sky is green and the grass is purple! They reap the benefits of our fatalistic and wrong beliefs.

Let me explain. If the Earth were a sphere, then by very definition, all points on the surface would be equal distance from the center. There is no beginning and no end. No point of origin superior to any other. This, obviously, is not the case. Look at our trade relationship with China, and Japan, for that matter. You can bet that both of those countries believe that their point of origin is far superior to ours. Why else would we allow them to export the greatest percentage of their goods to us, for American currency, and impose such strict tariffs on American made goods that we cannot effectively compete in their markets?

Yes, yes, I see you… The gentleman in the back, frantically waving your arms and hopping from foot to foot, trying to get my attention.

"What about Columbus?" you were going to ask. "He proved the Earth is round!"

No he did not. He sailed from point A to point B in a relatively straight line. Let me ask you this. Are you really willing to place your trust in a flat-broke, penniless adventurer who got lost on the biggest voyage of his life? The conspirators have distorted the reason and significance of his discovery of the new world. His purpose for taking the trip in the first place was to substantially increase the coffers of his sponsor. Again, the importance of a particular place of origin.

"The Earth is round" is nothing more than a tool to keep us in line and to keep us from asking too many questions too loudly. Questions like, "Where is Area 51?" Or, "How come my taxes are so damn high?" You know, I’d be willing to bet that if we weren’t so concerned with the Earth being a sphere, we might not care so much about whether or not Bill and Monica got it on in the Oval Office. We might actually be more concerned with the real issue of whether or not he told her to lie about it. And we probably would have had that answer already.

The round Earth conspiracy is dangerous to our well being in other ways, as well. We’ve already stated that by definition, no point on the globe is superior to any other. From this erroneous assumption, it is easy to make the jump to other, equally erroneous, and equally fatalistic assumptions. Follow my reasoning if you will. The word point starts with a "p", correct? So does the word people. In the world of mathematics, if A=B and B=C then A=C, so extrapolating this to our current discussion, points and people both start with the same letter, thus points and people are equivalent. Now, take this one step further. People and their actions make up what we call a society. Given the preceding explanation, people have no special significance, and therefore society has no special significance. Thus, we can explain the current breakdown in social mores and conventions. Violent crime is rampant in our country. Kids are killing kids. Drugs. Families are falling apart. The distinction between right and wrong is blurred. Or in some cases, obliterated all together. All because of our fiercely held belief in an Earth represented by a globe.

But what about Magellan? And the astronauts? And all the scientific evidence that proves (there’s another "p" word) that the Earth is indeed a globe?

Evidence can be concocted. Altered. Manipulated. Have you ever flown in a "spacecraft"? Have you seen this with your own eyes? And Magellan? Try this experiment. Take a flat piece of paper. Draw a circle. Make it as large as you wish. On that circle draw the shapes of the continents as you have been taught to represent them. Now, get out your old history textbook and trace Magellan’s route. See? Flat. He may have sailed in something resembling a circle, but not "around the world".

We are poised on the brink of destruction. We have third world nations threatening to blow each other off the map. (This phrasing actually disproves the round-Earth conspiracy. If the Earth were actually a globe, the phrasing would be "blow them into the map" and not off of. "Off of", by its very nature indicates a flat surface.) We are facing, potentially, an all encompassing disaster with the Y2K problem. We have people who have no respect for the rights of others. In our own country, the number of people who cannot read is appalling. The voice of reason has been silenced. All the possible good things that we as the human race could accomplish are being sacrificed to the gods of selfishness, materialism, and destruction. I say it is time for all of us to stand up and be counted. Hold your head high with defiance and tell those that have attempted to keep us cowed, that we will not be moved. We will no longer accept the status quo… the faltered perceptions of those in power. Shake your fist at the establishment and shout for all to hear, "The Earth is Flat!"